Wedding Jokes

Here are few few wedding jokes to lighten up your mood but please! no pun intended...

I like the story of the woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with jewels. Her explanation: "If I die and my husband remarries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels."


She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds. "Who was it?" he asked. "My husband," she replied. "I better get going," he said. "Where was he?" "Relax. He'll be late, he's playing poker with you."


Stewardess: I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, but we left your wife behind in London.
Mr. Smith: Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!


A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains of Scotland. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.


"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love".
The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window ... they're choking my ducks!"


Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).


Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.


Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.


Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" :
- The Engagement Ring
- The Wedding Ring
- The Suffer-Ring
- The Endue-Ring


Married life is full of excitement and frustration :
- In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
- In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
- In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.


Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.


It's true that all men are born free and equal - but some of them get MARRIED!


There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.


Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!


There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married.... and then it was too late!"


Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.


When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.


There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.


They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence.


At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".


"A young girl boards Flight BA3345 from Heathrow to New York and finds a seat in 1st class. As the Stewardesses check all the passengers, one Stewardess asks the young girl for her ticket. The young girl hand's over her ticket, to which the Stewardess replied: "I'm sorry, but your are sat in the wrong seat" in a helpful manner.
"I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl. The Stewardess was surprised at the young girl's answer, so she decided to call the Senior Steward. The Senior Steward decided that nobody was getting a free upgrade to 1st, so she also informed the young girl that she had sat in the wrong seat and was to sit in economy at the rear. "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl in a firmer tone.
The Senior Steward thought that this might be a job for the Co-pilot, so she asked the Co-pilot to try and resolve this matter. So the Co-pilot decided to have a go to see if he could move the young girl. "Excuse me Miss, but your sat in the wrong seat" said the Co-pilot. "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl. "I'm sorry Miss, but if you don't move to your proper seat, I'll have to ask you to leave the aircraft" replied the Co-pilot. "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl. Being new to this game, the Co-pilot decided to consult the Captain.
"Let me sort her out" said the Captain. The Captain then approached the young girl and whispered in her ear.As the Captain returned to the Flight-deck, the young girl got out of the seat and proceeded down the aircraft towards her proper seat. "Cor, what did you say to her?" asked the Co-pilot. To which the Captain replied: "I told her 1st class wasn't going to New York".

TOP TEN THINGS THAT MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN

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Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband NEVER to touch it.
For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.
He took the box to her and asked about the contents.
"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."
Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.
"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.
"Oh, that's the money I made selling the rest of the doilies."

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond
ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked
Mr. Klopman,"Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them."

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right." (Guys take note!)

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.
So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears himself by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

words to live by - do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

what is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? about 40lbs.
what's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend? about 45
minutes.

marriage is an institution where two people come together to jointly solve
the problems they never had before they got married

Getting married is like being hanged; you tie the knot, the bottom drops out,
and soon your life is over !!!

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. you order
what you want,then when you see what the other person has, you wish you
had ordered that.

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "you know, i was a fool when i
married you." she replied, "yes, dear, but i was in love and didn't notice."

 A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds"husband wanted". next day she
received a hundred letters. they all said the same thing"you can have mine."

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "i've found a
man just like father!" her mother replied, "so what do you want from me,
sympathy?"

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her
keep him.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. the rest cheat in Europe.

Man is incomplete until he is married. then he is finished

Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always remember to get the last two words in: "yes dear"

Married life is very frustrating. in the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. in the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. in the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "mommy, why does the girl wear white?" his mom replies, "the bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life." the boys thinks about this, and then says, "hmmm... I already know why the boy wearing black..."

Wife: do you want dinner? husband: sure, what are my choices? wife: yes and no.

Why does the bride always wear white?
because it's always good for the dishwasher to match the fridge and stove.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
about 30 pounds.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
the other replied, "yes, i am, i married the wrong man."

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
we don't know - it's never happened.

What is the only time a man will think about a candlelight dinner?
when the power goes off.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
his wife is good at picking out clothes.